I was drowning, In the beginning of my healing process. Sure, I was praying about it but until I gave this process over to God, I was losing my mind.
Remembering things like memorizing the Lords Prayer without having read it kept my head spinning. With God, I learned that when things do not make sense (add up) there was missing information. I learned that nothing is hidden from him and that with him I could have access to all the information I needed.
It was more than that. He fed me information in increments that he knew were right for me. It was a lot to handle but never more than I could handle. This is how I have managed not to form other personalities. During this I was able to keep a job and raise a child.
- I allotted two hours a day to focus on the memories.
I only let myself think about ritual abuse for two hours a day. I had been having church at home in the morning for quite some time. I just extended the time period to two hours. Then I changed this to happen during the evening so that I could sleep afterwards.
I thought of this as, “Going In”. This helped me feel safe. Thinking of my daily life as separate from these events allowed me to continue to work, laugh and pay bills.
During this I would lay in bed. I began with a prayer that not only asked God to be with me but that He and all of heaven “Go in” with me. He never fails. I adjusted to this well enough that I could feel a build up of negativity release after I began to pray. At that point, I would “Go In” and allow myself to focus on what I was beginning to remember.
Sometimes during the day, thoughts would rush in, but I was easily able to put them aside because I knew that I would be able to address them in a safe way. That worked well for a while. There were times toward the end, that I failed at this, but I always got back on track.
- I Kept this to myself until I found some understanding.
I did not tell anyone about what was happening to me. This kept me from having to talk about it and bring it into my thoughts. This was between me and heaven until I found some understanding and was able to compartmentalize the abuse. It prevented me from being judged or mis guided by people. At a point in which I felt safe to do so I told select loved ones that I had been raped in a ritual.
- I started taking better care of myself.
I would take daily walks, get a proper amount of sleep, eat well and take vitamins. I knew that I needed all the strength that I could get. So, I made sure that not only did I limit the time that I focused on memories of evil, but I also spent more time and focus on simple good health.
I know that my process was custom fit for me. However, I did not come up with this on my own. God customized it. He knew what I could do, how fast I could go and where each step lead to. Its handy to serve a God who knows everything.